Porcelain Doll
by Stitch My Mouth
Summary: According to him, he did not love her; she was just a child trying to be an adult, nothing more, nothing less. So in the end she married a man she did not love, and he . . . he stayed away, isolated from society forever, forgotten in his own shame. AxM
1. Chapter One: My Forsaken Memories

**_Porcelain Doll  
_**  
Disclaimer: I do not own RK, never have, never will, if I did I'd be rich and wouldn't be wasting my free time here.  
  
Summary: The fact that she would do anything for him meant nothing, the fact that she'd given everything up just in hopes that he'd talk to her meant nothing. According to him, he did not love her; she was just a child trying to be an adult, nothing more, nothing less. So she married a man she did not love, and he stayed isolated away from society, frozen forever in his own shame.  
  
Rated: R for violence, swearing, abuse, depression, murder, suicide, and possible lemon/lime stuff.  
  
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama  
  
Note: **READ THIS!** Please do not tell me how I have so many grammar mistakes or any such things, I write like that on purpose to show you can have a good story without the period in the right place.  
  
Turn back now if you know you're going to hate this fic, flames are not excepted when warnings have been posted.

_4444_

_Drip, drop, drip, drip, drip, drop.  
_  
Rain, rain used to make her happy, a lot of things did to be honest with you, she loved the sound of water as it fell from the heavens and onto the Earth. That's why she had chosen a rainy day to tell him her feelings for him . . . But now she despised the rain, almost as much as she thought she did him, for it only brought her sadness . . .  
  
_She greeted the world with a smile, open eyes, and a heart full of love, she knew today would be the day, the day she truly became happy . . . or at least she really, really hoped it would. She was nervous as hell of course, but she quietly assured herself that nothing but the positive would happen. I mean it HAD to right? With the small signals he put out she HAD to be right!  
  
She had walked into his room when the sun had set and most everyone but them had fallen asleep. She could hear light drizzles of rain coming from beyond the walls. Looking like an angel she walked slowly over to him, his eyes opened slightly to her presence.  
"Is something wrong?" He asked.  
"Yes."  
"What?"  
"I find it wrong to keep something like what I'm going to tell you."  
". . . . ." He waited for her to continue, she sighed.  
"I . . . well" the words were lost only for a second, "I love you."  
If she had expected him to be happy she would have been disappointed; his face remained still, no emotion, except a small sigh of what? Happiness? Sadness? Sleepiness? Anger?  
"All it is, is a small infatuation, you'll get over it." He said, "I cannot love a child."  
She bit her lip to stop the tears threatening to fall.  
"You're the child!" She screamed, "Always denying everything around you for what? For repenting so called sins that no one gives a fuck about! Get over yourself! You should be glad someone, even if it is a child, is telling you they love you! Do you think this is what **they** would have wanted you to do with yourself? Freeze yourself away from all the people who actually want you to be in their lives and to be happy?!"  
  
"What would you possibly know?" He asked, "You could never . . ."  
"Understand?" She said, "Oh I understand, I understand you're a coward to scared to face reality!"  
"Then why love me?"  
"Because" She said her voice softening, "I hope the man I used to know, the one who was brave and kind could possibly still exists inside of this doll you've made yourself to be."  
"Like I said before, I cannot love a child."  
"A child who happens to have lived 18 years, whose happened to see what you once were and what you became, no one ever thought you'd become what you have did you know that? We all thought you'd live to be great, instead you've lived to be empty." She said, "But yet here I am, telling a ghost of a man that I love him."  
  
_ Ever since that day he had avoided her and she had avoided him all except one time when he had to go to the market with her. He was probably forced to, I mean after all who would want to go shopping with the child? Certainly not him.  
  
So in the end, sick of waiting and lusting and crying she met a man who comforted her and who loved her even though she was just a so called child of 21. He loved her, however no matter how hard she tried, she did not love him. Her heart belonged to the man who did not love her, her heart would always belong to him even if he didn't care or wished it didn't.  
  
She would never tell, instead she would smile happily to her two sons and kiss her husband and pretend the world was in order and pretend that her husband was the man she really loved. She pretended that night never happened and instead replaced it with a fantasy that he had told her he loved her back.  
  
But she prayed her husband would never find out she loved another and never loved him, for he would kill her and her only love. And silently she wondered to herself if he had ever been in love with someone his entire life, if maybe he was using her the same way she was using him. The thought almost made her laugh, she wished it was true.  
  
He didn't know though, which was thankful for, he also didn't know she had to silently cry herself to sleep every night, or that the sight of their children made her want to jump from a cliff, or that they meant nothing to her.  
  
She also wondered how_ he_ was doing; it had been around 3 years since that night and approximately 2 years, 6 months, and 25 days since she had seen him. She wondered if he missed her, she wondered if maybe he ever did love her, and she wondered if she were to run away from the house she was trapped in and to him if he would welcome her with open arms.  
  
_ Most likely not. He probably send you back where you came from. He let you suffer.  
_  
How she wished and prayed her thought was wrong . . . Yet for some reason, it felt as if it were right.  
  
"You should eat your food." Her husband said.  
Slowly she realized where she was, she was inside her house, and eating dinner with the man she lied to the world about claiming she loved him.  
"I've lost my appetite." She said in a frail voice.  
"Well at least try to eat." He offered her a smile, he was kind.  
  
Who was she kidding? She had a kind man, a loving man, a loving man who loved her of all things, a man who took care of their children, a man who'd do anything for those he loved. So why could she not let go of the other and love the man who loved her? It made no sense.  
  
Perhaps she was meant to be miserable, perhaps god hated her for reasons she did not know.  
  
All she knew, however, was this:  
If she could change history, everyone would be much happier.  
  
Note: Sorry for the shortness, this was just a prelude. R&R please. 


	2. Chapter Two: Caged Beauty

_**Porcelain Doll  
**_  
Disclaimer: I do not own RK, never have, never will, if I did I'd be rich and wouldn't be wasting my free time here.  
  
Summary: The fact that she would do anything for him meant nothing, the fact that she'd given everything up just in hopes that he'd talk to her meant nothing. According to him, he did not love her; she was just a child trying to be an adult, nothing more, nothing less. So she married a man she did not love, and he stayed isolated away from society, frozen forever in his own shame.  
  
Rated: R for violence, swearing, abuse, depression, murder, suicide, and possible lemon/lime stuff.  
  
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama  
  
Note: Uh, I even posted a review on this, this story is NOT a short story, it was just one chapter out of an entire story. But anyway thanks for the kind reviews!

_4444_

_"Never fly without a good pair of bullet proof wings, Use tragedy as a vehicle and ride it 'till it stops hurting" -Jessicka Fodera_

_4444_

_Drip, drip, drop, drip, drop, drop, drip._  
  
How long had it been since he had seen her sweet face? Nearly 3 years, oh how he had missed her so, her long visits, her chatty ways, her wit, her humor, and everything else about her, he longed for it. He had turned her down to protect her but from what has happened, it seems he had failed on that too, that was his curse, he hurt those he loved, and he failed in everything.  
  
_"I love you."_  
  
He looked up then sighed, his mind played terrible tricks on him, and with him getting older it didn't help anything. He wished she was still around carrying her beautiful smile and cheer, but according to Omasu and Okon she was miserable, she had married some man and had given birth to two boys, two boys that should have been his for that matter. But even though she had tried to get over him she wasn't happy, no, she would never be happy unless he did something, but he couldn't, his pride would never allow that.  
  
_"You're the child!" She screamed, "Always denying everything around you for what? For repenting so called sins that no one gives a fuck about! Get over yourself! You should be glad someone, even if it is a child, is telling you they love you! Do you think this is what **they** would have wanted you to do with yourself? Freeze yourself away from all the people who actually want you to be in their lives and to be happy?!"_  
  
Reality was a bitch when it came to his mind, a real whore nobody ever wanted. He was alone in this hated world, he loved her yes, but she could not know, after all, he would ruin her worse then he already had. All the torture inflicted on his life wasn't fair, but then again nothing ever is, when he went to mediate it really wasn't to repent, no, it was to pray that the next morning he wouldn't wake up, at all . . .  
  
_4444_  
  
The five-year-old boy screamed from the bee sting, carrying his arm he ran over to his mother, a gentlewoman with the grace of a dove and the eyes the color of the salty blue green ocean. She was truly as beautiful as the princess Helen of Troy from Greek mythology, claimed to be the most beautiful woman in the world and whose beauty started a war that lasted 10 long years. However with beauty comes pain, after all, you can never have two wonderful things at once, never, and her pain was a never ending story of blood red and tear clear silk.  
"Kachan, it hurts!" The boy screamed.  
She moved from her sitting position, stretching her hands out to grab his arms, her white kimono moving with her with just as much grace. "My Tsuki-Kobito " she said kissing his sting, "It'll be ok, go into the bath house and grab some anti-septic and bandage it."  
Tsuki smiled through his tears and a small smile broke out on his young face, "Ok!"  
The beautiful woman smiled slightly as her son ran off, even though she hated everything she could never hate her children. Even when the sight of them sickened her she loved them, and even when the pain of reality hit her that they were not the children of the man she wanted them to be.  
  
A few minutes later the beautiful woman's son returned with a bandage on his arm and the tears wiped away from his eyes.  
"Kachan! Tell me a story! Please Kachan!"  
The beautiful woman smirked but did not smile, "Alright" she lifted her arms out and her son sat down in her lap and looked out onto the land behind their house, the beautiful woman wrapped her arms around her son and hugged him close.  
  
"There was once a beautiful dove, this dove was very loving and kind and never judge anyone without knowing them first. But that was her curse for she loved a beautiful raven who was as cold as ice, he was near to being a mute and was sometimes very cruel. But the dove knew deep in her heart that the raven was a kind man and that he kept himself isolated to try and protect everyone. But that was his curse, for when the dove confessed her feelings he put his own aside to try and protect her, only causing both of them pain."  
  
"Why would he do that Kachan?"  
"I don't know" She said staring straight ahead as if waiting for her raven to appear and take her away, "But I know this, never be like the raven, never ever be like him, for it will only cause you sadness and loneliness."  
"What ever happened to the dove."  
The woman sighed, "I don't know Tsuki-kun, some say she died from the pain and that now a shell of a woman remains, others say she waits for the raven's heart to break away from his ice box, and others say that the dove killed herself mentally out of misery." She closed her eyes and held her son closer, "But I think . . . I think she . . ."  
  
"Misao- Kobito!"  
The beautiful woman turned her head and looked behind her to come face to face with her husband, she then released her son and waved him off making sure he knew from her body language that she'd tell him the rest later.  
"Yes dear?"  
  
_4444  
_  
_Just like before, just like always._  
He always woke up, his prayers were never answered, and he still lived . . .  
But he always dreamed the same dream, the swirling black vortex always filled his sleep making sure he remember just how exactly he had cut his only tie to earth . . . no she was still there . . . that was why he lived, that was why he didn't swallow the gun or take a Kodachi to his heart.  
  
"Aoshi-san?" The voice of a woman named Omasu said, "Aoshi-san are you awake?"  
He did not reply.  
"I guess not," she said setting a tray down next to him and then leaving the room.  
It was breakfast of course, tea and some kind of meal to go with it, the cooking was never as good as hers had been though, he guessed when she left she had taken everything good with her. Now he knew what it was like to be truly abandoned, it must have felt like shit for her the first time he had left.  
  
_4444_  
  
"Why are you telling our son that wretched story?"  
"I don't know what you mean dear"  
The man glared at her, "If you ever tell that story again . . . you'll regret it."  
"Fine."  
With that, her so-called beloved husband walked off leaving her alone as most every man did.  
_'Aoshi'  
  
4444_  
  
He did not eat, he did not open his eyes, he did not get out of bed, he stayed right where he was, he was awake, perfectly awake, but he did not want to move, for if he moved, reality would hit him like a brick. Reality was a bitch, a real bitch.  
_ 'Misao'_  
Maybe it was finally time for him to actually do something about all of this, maybe it was time be let his pride go and actually give himself some freedom for once.  
With this thought, his eyes opened, with this thought he sat up, and with this thought he ate a whole meal for the first time in three years.  
  
_4444  
  
'Save me, please, Aoshi I beg you . . .'_  
The beautiful woman in her dove white kimono with a blood red obi thought violently to herself, her hand twitched and tears began threatening to fall. Would she ever be happy?  
_ 'Save me, please . . . I need you.'_  
She now felt the urge to run, run far away from everything like she did when she had been a teenager, when she had felt everything had never been fair, when she knew he'd run after her and play the part of a silent hero. But this time . . . she resisted the urge to run away, for she knew he would not come for her, no matter how much she wished it true. She was just a bird trapped inside a steel cage, where only her true love could break her free.  
Maybe she should run, even if he didn't come for her, it's better to run then to be miserable, it'd get her away from her hell on earth at least for a little while . . .  
And with that thought, she smiled a true smile for the first time in three years.  
  
Notes: Ok! Done with that! Sorry it took me so long for this second chapter, anywhoo I've got to go work on the sixth chapter for My Ruin. R&R Please. 


	3. Chapter Three: Drown Me in the River

_**Porcelain Doll**_

Disclaimer: I do not own RK, never have, never will, if I did I'd be rich and wouldn't be wasting my free time here.

Summary: The fact that she would do anything for him meant nothing, the fact that she'd given everything up just in hopes that he'd talk to her meant nothing. According to him, he did not love her; she was just a child trying to be an adult, nothing more, nothing less. So she married a man she did not love, and he stayed isolated away from society, frozen forever in his own shame.

Rated: R for violence, swearing, abuse, depression, murder, suicide, and possible lemon/lime stuff.

Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama

Note: Sorry for the long wait my computer broke down for a while and I had to get it fixed, anyway this chapter won't be long, sorry, I've got to work on other stories too -

_4444_

_"_It Hasn't Been Fair For Little Girls Because If You Don't Like Pink, You're Fucked." -Jessicka Fodera

_4444_

She did not sleep, instead she laid there, eyes looking forward to the wall and slowly she stood and rose from the bed, making sure she made no motion that would wake her husband, that ninja training really did come in handy when she needed it.

She changed her clothing to a beautiful black kimono with peach tree blossoms in a design that appeared as if they were falling like ice crystals and to match it she placed a one of her many black ob's on.

She then, as quick as a snow flake melts in the palm of your hand, left the house she had been captive in. It wasn't like she was running away, oh no, she did this kind of thing all the time, left in the middle of the night for walks. No one knew about it of course, but then again, no one cared.

_4444_

He breathed in the outside air, it had be atleast 1 in the morning, no one in the Aoiya knew he had left, left to escape the painful memories of _her_, all the remained. Nothing was right without her, it was like she had died, like a snail who had perished and all that was left was an empty shell. The empty shell, of course, was him.

_4444_

She stood in front of the river, it's beauty calling to her like a spell, the way the water just, ran away from whatever it could attracted her, maybe she could do that too, run away for good, maybe. It was a nice thought.

_4444_

Wherever he looked, she was there, staring at him with tears falling down her face, god it was enough to make him walk off Mount Fuji, it was wrong what he did to her, but then again everyone knew that. But for the longest time he denied it....

He stood by the river and suddenly he heard a crash of water....his head snapped to the side but saw nothing for the longest time.

_Wait for it...._

His eye widened, long black hair and pale skin wrapped in a black kimono, it was fast but his eyes were faster then most others.

The next thing he knew he had dived down into the river finally finding the girl and bringing her up to the air. He swam over the ground placing her down he finally realized who it was he had just saved.

_4444_

_I can't even die right god I really am pathetic......_

_4444_

"Misao!?"

_4444_

_'Aoshi!?'_

Notes: The chapter's short I know but trust me by next chapter you'll see why it was so short. R&R please. Oh and if you like this go check out my story Cut Strings [basically because I want more reviews for it haha].


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